POSTS
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
finally the long-awaited off day has arrived. nothing much for today, camping at home whole day, at least it beats going to work and face those bloody full-of-themselves customers.
although i've repeat alot of times, i still want to say it - i really dont know where to go from here anymore.
why do memories of you keep flashing through my mind
whenever i am free, and my definition of free is nothing to do from 1seconds onwards
memories of you appear in my mind again.
tried to kept myself busy during work,
didnt want to miss you anymore,
why?
cause it makes my life so miserable,
it disrupted my life tremendously.
the only thing for me to stop thinking of you is,
smoke smoke smoke
so,
spent my free time smoking, (and i meant ALL my free time)
maybe i am dying soon,
so why the fuck should i think about the consequences
how nice it would be if i could drop dead while smoking.
heard alot of 'news and updates' about people during work. so many problems which i am unaware of. tried to solve every one, succeeded, but failed when it comes to mine.
anyway, had a nice time yesterday. work was relaxing, and so many dirty jokes being told. haha had a nice time laughing. been so long since i had a hearty laugh.
ciao
go die.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
i really miss you
i'm on the brink of breaking down
seems that i cant tolerate it anymore
so many freaking days passed without your news
kept myself busy working
because i dont wanna think about you
i seriously thought i've succeeded
but i didnt
kept myself busy in front of the computer today
yet my mind is all about you
from the day we first met to now
so many things have happened
you wouldnt remember it at all
because i am just a spare tyre in your heart
sorry if i've hurt you with those sms
i was left with no other choice
but to hurt you
i'm sorry
every word in the sms wasnt what i wanted you to know
but i cant tell you
because
there's already a 'him' in your life
i dont ever want to be a third party
as long as you are happy
i dun mind if god take 1year of my life away
even if its 10 years
i am still willing to give it up
i just want to see that smile on your face
but now
not to even mention that smile
i haven been able to see you for so many days
trying to look for your familiar figure in the crowd
even hoping to let us meet so coincidentally on the bus
all dreams
all wishes
all hopes
dashed...
so much wanted to contact you
but my finger never obeyed me
the 'send' button always seem so hard to press
i understand the fact that we could never be friends anymorre
yet i am still hoping for the day
the day when miracle happens
how i wished for a big big cry from the bottom of my heart
how i wished i could just cry till i drop dead
thought of jumping down buildings more and more often
is depression slowly creeping into my head?
go die.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Saturday, September 17, 2005
it seems easy to say some things like:
'Love is give and take'
'Love isnt about being with the one you love, but to see them happy and content'
yes it makes sense, but have you ever think about something?thats is, the 'saints' that wrote all this statements are all some lonely and single old man/woman. do they know anything about love when they wrote these kind of stuffs?
'Love isnt about being with the one you love, but to see them happy and content'
>>seem true ah?but its easier said than done. are you really happy when he/she is with some other person?you may claim that,'oh ya she's happy and therefore i'm happy'. please, stop deceiving yourself and face reality. how could you ever be happy? deep inside your heart, you would hope she could be your other half you have been waiting. although you may never express or said it, you would hope she would choose you, YOU, to be her other half.
and the 'saints' expressed love as being so simple. can love really be expressed in a single phrase or sentence?please understand that the 'saints' who ever said all those crap sentences are old and had never tasted love before. next time before you actually believe what the sentences is talking about, check up on the author please.
maybe you've read my blog or havent. i just wanna say 2 words to you:
Thank You
for all the happy times you've cast upon me, it will follow me for the rest of my life.
you really think its possible to go back to the past?
you can take it as nothing has happened
i cant
once a mirror is broken, it can never be that perfect again
the crack will always be there
you understand what i am trying to say?
but it doesnt matter anymore
guess i've made a clean break with you
not even friends can we be anymore
sorry for the time you've wasted
sorry for the money that cost you when you sms with me
you wanna claim them back?
go die.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
sian-ness
holidays seems to be so bored nowadays. no fun no excitement at all. yes maybe a few days when i go out. others seems so dull, just work and eat and sleep. zzz
yes i am back to smoking. say all you like, i dont wanna think too much into the future. maybe i will live a shorter life, maybe i will die tml. so many maybe to consider and if i consider everything, life would appear more stress and colourless. so why bother?just let me do what i want. its my life. i owe no one an explanation about my actions, i didnt cheat, i didnt lie, i didnt steal.
its only the 2nd day since the purchase of my first packet of cigarettes in 2 months, and i am already addicted to it. dont wanna think too much about quitting or anything. yes i know people will tell me 1 packet cost me around 10 bucks or so, i will get cancer, my lungs are black or whatever. i know all that alright. guess i just cannot control myself, take 1 step at a time, thats what i am thinking now.
went out to watch 'the cave' just now, nice show that is. damn thrilling, maybe you guys out there can consider watching. had a fun time just now, and tml is another working day. zzzz. an off day seem to pass so fast yet a working day pass so slow. what kind of stupid logic is that. knn
good luck to you and him
i wish the both of you happiness
go die.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Sunday, September 11, 2005
indeed
exams are over, but yet i do not have the 'after exam' mood. no mood to play no mood to enjoy no mood to work. nothing at all. just feel like rotting myself away. zzzz
back to working for the past few days. work was terribly tedious. maybe cos i dont have the stamina to work long hours anymore. or maybe cos i stop smoking.
i am expected to feel relieve and relax after exam, but yet i dont feel any of those. the same stressful life revolves around me. from the moment i wake up to sleeping again. its just work and work and work. others can jolly well enjoy and slack their holiday away yet i have to work, dragging my body to work and back home everyday. whats the reward for working so hard?
money?yes it is essential, but having money doesnt mean anything. so whats if you've got all the money in the world when there's no one to share your happiness, no one to spend with you, and most importantly - there's no one to care and love you. so what the fuck is having money without any of these useful?
finally i am able to ignore you
i haven been contacting you for days
yet i dont feel as worthless and useless
i guess
i am already used to it
days without you
yes i admit it can be a real torture
but
i've felt nothing much
maybe i've develop an immunity to it
seems to me you never really care about this
so i am not going to fucking care about it anymore
take it as the end of our friendship
the end of my sufferings
the end of everything
i am finally able to forget you
finally
go die.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Friday, September 09, 2005
back to blogging again.
tml is the end of exam, so shiok ah 1 week only?if thats what you think, you're terribly wrong alright. during this past week its just study and study all the way. no time to relax no time to slack. maybe just a few games of dota in between the days. god damn it lucky that tml is the last day.
this past few exam days have really been torturous. waking up early in the morning, going to school to revise with friends to confirm what i've revise is sufficient blah blah blah. facing tremendously stress when waiting for the exam to start. after exam yet another stress - whether your answer is correct or wrong. having to worry about this and that. and when you get home, there's another paper you've have to study. just what the fuck is wrong with life.
life can be so unfair
some people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth yet some have to work like a dog to earn money. some are just so clever that they can wait till the day before exam then study, and they score so much higher than those nerds who study everyday. some are just so fucked-up and mother fuckers yet they have a lot of friends just because they are stinking rich. some dont even have the money to eat a proper meal yet others can just waste tons of food everyday.
why cant the world be balanced and fair. everything distributed fairly and equally to everyone. money, kinship, love, friendship etc. cant everyone have the equal amount of everything? why the fuck be so stingy and let people suffer. nabei
argh crapping again lah.
after tml its the 2 month holiday. guess i've no choice but to go back to work. i just cant be like other people who can enjoy and spend all the money they like. guess my life gonna carry on like that till the day of my death.
i've had more than enough of worries and yet people keep coming and pouring their troubles at me. maybe they just dont understand me well enough. cant blame them cos i never give any chance to them. those who claim they understand me in fact dont.
guess i gonna keep searching for the one who will understand me. both my thoughts and feelings.
jfhghgkgkukgrruhsjgkbjgburbgjrugrlg
go die.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Sunday, September 04, 2005
monday is the start of exam, finally the long awaited day has arrived. spend my whole studying week going through piles of notes and exam papers. studying suck alright. zzzz
have you tried having to concentrate on doing something else when actually your heart is at somewhere else,
thinking about another person,
wondering what she are doing,
whether she's thinking about you,
guessing what she's doing with no guts to call her,
cracking your head to find a topic to sms her,
and when failure dawn upon you,
you think of lots of excuses to cover up for your cowardice,
even hoped that your phone would spoil for no reason,
so that you have a valid reason to make up for your futile effort.
on top of that you are trying to concentrate on doing that something else,
and with all those adversity in your mind,
you would rather you never have to be caught in such a dilemma
even if you are able to summon the courage to call or sms her,
it doesnt make any difference,
you dont feel delighted even it means hearing her voice,
it makes you feel even more terrible when you hear her monotone voice,
and after a few sms u realised she just stopped replying,
after that,
you can forget about doing anything else
all you wanna do is to have an injection to make you numb,
to make you immune to any feelings
you tried umpteen times to force yourself to forget her even for a pathetic 1 minute,
success never appear to be on your side,
seems like life is making a joke out of you,
you know there's no way for you to get her out of your mind,
yet you carried on lying to yourself,
that you would forget her one day,
even when you know that would be impossible
how stupid can you really be,
you would never know,
until the day when you forget her completely,
you regret wasting your time on her,
you feel like a complete moron
before that day arrives
imagine how much pain and torture you have to go through
fuck all the crap i have written
go die.
